Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

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Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by JET73L on Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:23 pm

Well, I just met this girl, through anime club, goes by the name of Sam (YES, I know). She's interesting, likes similar anime and manga to what I like (also prefers manga over anime), likes Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts, is even temporarily majoring in Graphic Design because you can't have Undecided for your major in the Honors Colege. And, somehow, I managed to completely avoid screwing things up. Normally, I come across either too strong or extremely unsociable, and even if I manage to not drive people away with their inital impression of me, I tend to shoot my mouth off with something completely stupid. I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for how to continue to not screw this up for an indefinite period of time?


PS: It's not that I don't appreciate the advice of Firesnake and NF5 and the others who are mostly at FFNet, but this is the sort of thing that seems more of an SE subject.
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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by Terminus Est on Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:56 am

You do seem kind of antisocial sometimes, but really, I cannot tell much of this from online.
Though first impressions seem to be a must, if this girl is still talking to you, there must not be that many problems, and women often have a second sense about these things, and only dismiss it if looking for one night of fun. (Or are merely superficial bimbos.) I am sure that fast enough, she will pick up on your seemingly unfriendly behaviour and know that it is just who you are, or perhaps pick up on being nervous, as you seem to be, but she will also know that if you keep on talking to her, that you are not giving her the cold shoulder, no matter how anxious you might feel, or what you present.
Which is a good step already, because she seems to have accepted you for who you are, so far. I am pretty shy and rather antisocial myself, and while some may disagree, I can tell you that when meeting someone and trying to come out straight and attempt to explain this behaviour of yours to them will help a great deal, and may clear up many doubts they could have. If nothing else, it makes good conversation. XD

It is a bit hard to suggest something, how long have you been talking to this girl, for example?

One thing though, do NOT try to change yourself, or act in a way you think would be more appropriate, this is a big no no, and while it might look cute, it often creates a nice chasm to fall into, and is a big turn off. She will have to accept you for who you are, and if it all works out, then it only means she likes these aspects, or at the very least, what they may truly mean. If she wants to find out, you basically have nothing else to worry of.

There is always the chance that she would not like you, but people too often attribute this to themselves solely and think they screwed up, which is not always the case. People have different tastes, and you can never adhere to all of them. Dating is experimenting, as well. As much for you, as her.

Also keep this in mind, when people are dating, there is never one of the two who is nervous, and the other completely comfortable. Never. She may be just as nervous, or afraid to turn you off somehow, perhaps she is asking the same things to herself right now. If she does not make any advances, it is not always because of YOU or what you describe, it can also be because SHE is shy and nervous. You have to keep this in mind as well, do not solely concentrate on your presentation and appearance, some people might mistake this for superficiality or bed tactics. Be open to her, and listen to what she says.
No matter how uncomfortable or nervous you might feel, remember that she may feel the same. Keep some common ground, use communication; make it a two way thing.
I think that people often forget this, and unfortunately, it hinders much potential progress.

And even if you DO say something stupid, this is all part of the game, and who you are. Correct me if I am wrong, but you seem rather insecure about a lot of things, I do not think that everything you would say is stupid and so on-perhaps awkward, but I do not think you give yourself much credit.
You cannot hide things anyway, like holding back on saying something for fear it shall sound dumb, as this totally defies the meaning to forge any open friendship to begin with. Sounds damn corny I know, but be at ease and comfortable, be yourself. It is supposed to be fun, and not hair loss moments.
Be assertive, as everyone will tell you, but do not plow in there like Barret inside the Shinra building. XD-unless that is who you are. Trust me, women are pretty good at telling when someone is faking something in these cases, and you do not want that.

Er, is this too long? XD

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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by JET73L on Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:34 pm

Thanks, Termie. I really appreciate this. In order of your comments and questions, thanks, that's really helpful. A nice confidence-booster, too. Actually, I met her abpout a week before Tuesday, and we only ended up saying a couple of sentences, but yesterday we ended up chatting off and on for at least 20 minutes of a half-hour. I havenm't been tryiong to "change myself" (aside from being less obsessive, which I'm trying to do in all aspects of life), and we actually aren't dating, I'm just trying to figure out when ould be a good time to ask her out (after getting to know her, but before that blasted "friend zone," I'm thinking asking about hanging out, or having a cup of coffee, towards the end of the next conversation if all goes well). I do try to help people be more at ease, this may help.
As for saying stupid things, I mean blurting stuff out that completely goes against what I mean, for no apparent reason aside from a possible pattern of self-sabotage.
Again, I do appreciate this, quite a bit, and hope I'm not imposing on our (SE members') friendship with this. And no, not too long. You're pretty good at thorough explanations and responses. Very Happy

Edit: I just realised (well, earlier) that this might be a little bit "obsessing." And that may be a bit of an understatement.
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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by Miss Valentine on Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:35 am

I think it's great that you've found someone that you can see yourself wanting to get closer to, JET. I agree with much of what Termie says, and I think going for a regular coffee and getting out and about with this girl would be a good place to start.

I guess I know what you mean about the "friend zone", when you reach a point where you're such close friends with someone that "going out" would kinda become out of the question. You would be right to avoid that, I know how it feels to lose great friends because of it (and partners too). Many a time I've regretted going beyond the "friend zone", so avoid it like the plague.

Also I'm glad that for the most part you're being yourself, although even the obsessive part could be classed as a part of you. We all have our little oddities, so it's not too big a deal if you can't completely kick the habit. I think it's worse to be insecure about such things than to just accept them as a part of you. Any kind of insecurity acts as a repulsor of the opposite sex. And as Termie says, have fun with it! Wink
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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by Mr. Midgar on Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:56 am

Miss Valentine wrote:Any kind of insecurity acts as a repulsor of the opposite sex.
Does this mean insecurity acts as an attraction to the same sex?


Last edited by Mr. Midgar on Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:07 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by Miss Valentine on Thu Sep 25, 2008 6:23 am

Nope, pardon my generalisation there, I would never think anything of the sort. Pedantic aren't we? _
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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by JET73L on Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:40 pm

Yeah, thanks. It's really great that y'all are here, it's nice being able to talk to ya like this.

*eyebrow&grin*[sitcom scolding voice]Midgar![/voice]
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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by Terminus Est on Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:35 am

Miss Lockheart has an excellent point; it is fine if she accepts everything about you, but do not forget to accept yourself for who you are. Smile

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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by Mr. Midgar on Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:12 am

Terminus Est wrote:Miss Lockheart has an excellent point;
Who is Miss Lockheart?

*laughing* okay okay, Miss Valentine is right, I really am being much too pedantic. XD

But in regards to the thread's topic, I think MV and TE made some great suggestions JET. I hope everything works out well on your date.
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Re: Erm... assistance... not driving people away?

Post by Chaos' Master on Sat Sep 27, 2008 6:08 pm

I've never been really good at giving advice with this topic, but from what I read, I think Val-Han and Termie have good points, so I'll leave it to them.
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