Her time has come and gone...

Recently, I haven't been on very much because one of my friends had died. Recently, but not within the last month, its just that....it was confirmed a couple of days before I stopped appearing. I was still coming on regularly then, because I jut couldn't process the fact until that day and then it hit me like every bone in my body breaking in an instant. I couldn't function for almost three hours after waking up that day I was hi so hard. Even now, I'm on the verge of bursting into tears, and I've been conditioned that tears are a forceful sign of weakness and something that a man should never do.

She was one of my most important friends in the world, one of only three people I could freely talk about my problems with and ask unconditional advice of. What really hurt me most is that, she didn't talk to me about this before she went ahead and did it, so I had no chance to try to talk her out of it. Well, this and, I couldn't tell her how much she truly meant to me before she did that. Not that I felt romantic things about her, but that she was one of my few confidants, my few true friends, one of the extremely few people I have ever managed to trust completely that I have ever met.

We had never even met in person though. She lived in Canada, whereas I live in the dead wasteland that is central America. But, this is one of the reasons I felt that way about her, because we have been in contact for over five years now, and we've divulged secrets to each other that are hard for us to express to other people in person, and we had each other's word that what we talked about would remain confidential. And, not only that, but I helped her through a boyfriend who did nothing but abuse her mentally, and sometimes physically, the (ex-)boyfriend stalker of hers that she had to call the cops on because he was stalking her, a kidnapping by that same a-hole, helping her get a new boyfriend(who I knew from before), her wanting to break up with him because she felt as though she wasn't spending any time with her family anymore(she didn't break up, I got her to tell him that she needed to spend time with her family and moderate the time spent with him), and various other things. Not only this, but she helped me through a horrible break-up with my first love and she helped me out of the major depression that came as a result of that break-up. We helped each other so much, that it didn't even matter that we hadn't ever met, because we were best friends, we trusted each other beyond the bounds of simple friendship and it was so hard to cope with her death that I couldn't do anything but deny it and stop functioning once I couldn't deny it anymore.

she was most certainly more important than I could've ever realised had she not done this, but, I wish beyond any form of wishing that she hadn't done that, no matter what was going on in her life, things can always get better and she didn't need to do this. Because she did this, I'm teetering on the brink of another major depression, and this might be one that I wouldn't be able to get out of because I'd have no one there to help me through it as she could, and its only because of the help she had given me before, and the strength of character and emotion she had helped t instilll in me that I'm not falling into the blackest depths of sorrow with no hint of any sort of light. I know she would not want me to think like this, but without her, my life seems so empty, so devoid of hope and happiness. devoid of almost all emotion except for sadness and a slight anger at everything for allowing this to happen, especially at myself, because I fdeel I could've done so much more to help her through this, and not have to wait until it was to late to try anything.

I'd give almost anything in the world, including my life to bring her back and happy, so that she could continue on living no matter what happened in her life, because she was one of the brightest points of light in my life that signified hope to me...and...without her...I feel blind and almost emotionless, which is a horrible feeling in and of itself. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to get over the pain that this has caused me. I'm not even sure of what I can do about this now, with anything in my life, I've just kind of...lost my motivation for going on...

Chaos, I'm so so sorry for what's happened to you and your loss. I wondered if your absence was anything to do with losing your friend because you mentioned it to us, and it's totally natural that you would need time to at least try and cope with the immense feelings you have right now.

I know that nothing anyone can say will take away these horrible feelings, but I have to tell you that crying is not the weakness people would have you believe. In fact, it takes a lot of strength to release your emotions like that, partly because you've been socially conditioned to keeps those things inside of you, the "man" thing to do. In fact you need to cry, as part of the grieving process. So don't give yourself a hard time about it, just let it happen and acknowledge that everytime it happens you are a tiny step towards feeling better in yourself.

It doesn't matter that you weren't with her in person, the fact that you were a trusted friend to her in spirit is what matters, and from what you say you both were very close in spirit. It might help to remember that sometimes- even though things ended the way they did, you gave her a lot of happiness by being yourself and being a friend. I don't think you could have done more, so please don't feel any guilt. Of course I can't tll you not to feel any pain, but don't blame yourself or feel like you could have done anymore, otherwise when you inevitably get depressed it will be worse.

*sigh* I'm terrible when it comes to saying the right thing, but even though you haven't known us for long I hope you do know that we care and want to see you get through this with your spirit intact. It might not help much, and certainly won't make up for what you've lost, but anytime you feel you need it just talk to one of us.

You can get through this, and I wish you the absolute best in that. It's gonna take a hell of a long time, but don't feel any guilt and try and hold on to some of the happiness you had.